Would they plaster side effects on a banner and wave it around? No, but we will. Welcome, to the dark alleyways of Ozempic, a drug that promises all sugar and spice for type 2 diabetes and weight management, but may be swinging a spiked bat behind its back.

First, let's hit you with the hard stuff: pancreatitis. While your pancreas is multitasking to keep your blood sugar in check, Ozempic might grant it a very unwelcome inflammation party. Look out for bloating, nausea, and an unexpected abdomen disco. If your pain tolerance isn't on par with a medieval torturer, get your healthcare provider on the line or park yourself in the ER.

Feeling something grumbling after your fatty binge last night? Ozempic might have invited gallstones to the party, who just love to block your bile flow. Pain in the upper-right part of your stomach, nausea, vomiting, and a fever should have you racing to inform your healthcare provider. You might even have to say goodbye to your gallbladder before the night is through.

Now let's talk about something none of us want to see – diabetic retinopathy. Elevated blood sugar can occasionally decide it wants to play darts with your retina while you're on Ozempic. If you're having a foggy day in broad daylight, get in touch with an eye doctor or your healthcare provider stat.

Kidneys getting the short end of the stick? Ozempic is associated with dishing out damage, especially if you’re on a roll with vomiting, diarrhea, or forgetting your water bottle. Forget your workout stress, this might put unnecessary tension on your organs. If your kidneys are screaming for mercy, notify your healthcare team without delay.

Lastly, a drama Ozempic starred in back in rodent studies – thyroid tumors. If you have a personal or family history related to thyroid cancer or a lesser-known disease called multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2 (MEN 2), you should probably say 'no thanks' to Ozempic. Keep an eye out for a swollen neck, unexpected weight changes, or hoarseness that doesn't come with a free karaoke night.

All dark humor aside, if you're prescribed Ozempic or any medication, follow up with your healthcare provider religiously to avoid unexpected plot twists. Those benefits won't count for much if they come with unmanageable side effects. Let's make the health journey less horror and more comedy, shall we?